All the news that fits…(be afraid, be very afraid)

From the person who caused most of you to hurl onto your monitors…The Blogess returns with:

SOMEONE GET ME A LAWYER. And a sandwich. And a sandwich for my lawyer, because I don’t like to share my food.

In 2008 I wrote about my revolutionary idea to advertise on the side of stray, shaven cats:

An excerpt: “…It’s moments like these that make me want to quit blogging and tweeting, and instead find a less complicated way to communicate with the world.  Like throwing leaflets off my roof, or tattooing random thoughts on stray cats.  Except I’d have to shave the cats first so I could tattoo them, and when their fur grew back you wouldn’t be able to see the blog posts I’d written on them any more, which would totally suck.  So really I’d need to tattoo those hairless, sphinx cats, except that their wrinkles would probably cover up part of my writing whenever they sat down…so if I wrote “I’d pummel Hitler with rocks!” it would just look like “Hitler rocks!” and then all these hairless, suspected-nazi cats would get shot.  Then later the gunmen would examine the dead cat and actually see that they were mistaken, and then they’d have to live with the guilt of killing an innocent cat who did not think Hitler rocked at all.  So to keep the cats safe I’d have to make tiny sandwich boards for them to wear around with my blog posts written on them.  It’d be hard to comment on though and there would be no spam control, so probably by the time you found one of my stray, sandwich-board cat posts it would be covered with badly scrawled viagra adverts…”

(You can read the full story here:  “Tell Me a Cat Wearing a Sandwich Board Wouldn’t Be Entertaining.  You Can’t.“  But please be aware that this was years before I realized how commas work.)

One year later, Warner Bros. began advertising on the side of cats, and was lauded for their innovation in “catvertising”.  In July of this year I wrote about this abomination of justice, which I entitled: “In fairness though, calling it ‘catvertising’ was a pretty brilliant idea.  Still suing though.”

Watch the John St. advertising video on YouTube.

 

 

Free tickets to new Muppets movie

It’s a bonus extra for Disney Rewards members:  Buy any of the DVDs listed between November 4th, 2011 and January 8th, 2012, enter the codes and receive a free The Muppets movie ticket!   Once you receive the DVD, log on to your Disney Movie Rewards account and enter the Magic Code from inside the box (by 1/8/12). You’ll receive another The Muppets movie ticket!  Click on this Amazon The Muppet Movie DVD
link to see how cheap you can score these for.  Make sure that you are buying the specified titles and i hope you’re using your swagbucks…

 

Traitors in our midst

Just to make you feel better, even the Goddess lives with traitors –  not shopping at Meijer, but the part about stopping in with a friend, seeing this non-sale, no coupon, store brand box of cereal and buying it for full price.   “I had a taste for it.” We all have our crosses to bear…

Heaven and Hell Boot Camp

Remember my post about Heaven and Hell Boot Camp offering the same promo package as that place on livingsocial because so many were unable to get into a class (they require reservations) – – well, just got an email from the Heaven and Hell owner:  If you join at the end of your six-week promotion period, he will offer a discounted membership price.  Don’t know any more, but if you’re interested…

Heaven and Hell Bootcamp Member discount-1

Tyson $2 rotisserie chicken pdf

I’m gonna start posting these coupons on a more regular basis – normally I just wait until there’s a sale…but then i forget.  So here’s a 5oClockDinner from the deli or prepared-foods department.  I know that many of the Meijer stores have Tyson as their regular rotisserie chicken, so ymmv.  At least download it – then it’s on your heads to remember!  Expiration date is 12/31/11.

All the news that fits…

Didn’t catch SNL last night, but here’s an absolutely brilliant clip featuring the latest Kardashian endeavor:  A Kardashian Divorce.  Short and brutal.  Does Kim really talk like that?  Lord, I’d smother her with a pillow and consider it justifiable homicide…

All the news that fits…

This article was published a few weeks ago.  The only thing crazier than substituting yogurt for Cool Whip is thinking you can do a switcheroo with french fries and sautéed tempeh (fermented rice and soy mixture) with no serious repercussions.

Give It Up: Top 10 Worst Foods
By Lisa Mosing, MS, RD, FADA, Special to LifeScript
Published October 21, 2011

More than half of all Americans say they’re in good or excellent health, according to a survey by Cigna HealthCare, a Philadelphia-based health care company.

The other half thinks they need to lose only about 10 pounds.

Yet, two-thirds of American adults are overweight or obese, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC).

The bottom line: Americans eat too much and exercise too little. And the calories we consume usually aren’t from nutritious, low-cal, high-fiber foods such as fruits and vegetables, or whole grains, or from healthy proteins such as lean meat and low-fat dairy foods.  Instead, we reach for artery-cloggers: processed cheese that squirts from a can, frosted pastries filled with sugary jam, snack bags of cookies or crackers and anything deep-fried.

But you don’t have to say no to them – that’ll only derail your healthy efforts. Instead, get to know the worst choices and their savory substitutes:

1. Chips

One ounce of potato chips has 152 calories and 10 grams of fat (three grams saturated).

If you eat just three ounces a week, in one year you’ll have consumed 23,400 calories and added about seven pounds to your waistline. And that’s from just a couple handfuls – which barely constitutes a full and satisfying snack for most of us.

Substitute
:

Rice and popcorn cakes are no longer Styrofoam-like snacks.

Now they’re available in many flavors, so you can satisfy a salty craving without hitting the chips.

Try Quaker’s Quakes Rice Snacks or Orville Redenbacher’s Popcorn Cakes instead – both have less than 100 calories per serving.

For a more exotic crunch, try dry roasted edamame, which are usually lightly salted and have a satisfying crunch. Thirty grams of the Trader Joe’s brand provides 14 grams of protein and 20% of your daily iron in only 140 calories.

2. Non-Dairy Toppings

As luscious as they are, Cool Whip and its kin are mostly corn syrup and hydrogenated vegetable oil − stuff you don’t want floating in your arteries.

One tablespoon is 32 calories, but who stops at just one?

Substitute:

Top desserts with low-fat vanilla yogurt. The same amount has half the calories, plus a healthy dose of calcium.

3. Doughnuts

White flour, vegetable shortening, white sugar… and deep-fried to boot.

One glazed Krispy Kreme packs 200 calories and 12 grams of fat, including heart-stopping saturated fat, trans fat and cholesterol.

An old-fashioned cake doughnut has 300 calories, 28 grams of carbohydrates and a whopping 19 grams of fat, including 5 grams of saturated fat and 4 grams of trans fat.

Only 30% of our calories should come from fat, says the American Heart Association. That’s about 65 grams in a 2,000-calorie daily diet.

Nosh on a couple doughnuts with your coffee, and you’ve reached your daily fat quota.

Substitute:

Keep down the carbs with whole-grain bagels. Half a Pepperidge Farm multi-grain bagel has 125 calories, just 3 grams of fat and less than 4 grams of cholesterol-lowering fiber.

4. Fettuccine Alfredo

Strips of pasta drenched with butter, cream and parmesan cheese – what’s not to love?

How about its fat and calories! A 3-ounce serving (about the size of your fist) has 543 calories and 33 grams of fat (19 of which are saturated).

Substitute:

Request whole-wheat fettuccine with marinara sauce. One cup of whole-wheat pasta has 197 calories and almost 4 grams of fiber. And half a cup of marinara sauce has just 92 calories.

If whole-wheat pasta isn’t available, ask for spinach pasta instead – it’s popular and nutrition-rich.

5. Sausages

Whether you fry them for breakfast or boil ’em in beer, sausages are a health hazard.

A single pork link packs 217 calories and 19.5 grams of fat.

Substitute:

Chicken or turkey sausage. Five links of Aidell’s chicken apple sausage have only 100 calories and 8 grams of fat (2.5 saturated).

Or go vegetarian: Boca Italian sausage made from soy protein contains 130 calories in each 2.5-ounce serving, plus 6 grams of fat and 13 grams of lean protein.

6. Fried Chicken

A fried chicken breast has nearly 400 calories and 22 grams of fat. The Colonel wouldn’t be happy to hear this, but those platters of fried fowl have to go.

What do you expect when you batter and fry chicken, skins and all?

Substitute:

Grilled, skinless chicken breasts are finger-lickin’ good. Rub them with a fiery spice rub – try a green chile-lime seasoning – throw them on the barbecue, and you have great flavor for 189 calories per 4-ounce breast.

7. Imitation Cheese in a Can

Some people love this stuff.

But they ignore their protesting hearts: Two tablespoons – about the amount you’d put on two crackers – packs 276 calories and 21 grams of fat, 13 grams of which are saturated.

Substitute:

Go for the real thing. Soft cheeses like brie have about 100 calories an ounce.

Goat cheese is even better: One ounce has 76 calories and 5 grams of protein.

8. French Fries

One large order (6 ounces) of fast-food fries from a typical commercial restaurant contains roughly 570 calories, half of which are from fat. (That’s probably why we love them, and usually polish off the serving!)

If your restaurant order includes a large hamburger (such as Burger King’s Whopper), tack on 670 calories and 39 grams of fat.

Substitute:

Order kid-size fries instead, which have only 230 calories and 13 grams of fat.

At home, try sautéed tempeh, a fermented rice and soy mixture found in the refrigerated health-food section of your grocery store.

Just slice the tempeh, sprinkle with soy sauce, and sauté in a little olive oil until brown. A half cup – about three or four half-inch slices – contains only 197 calories.

And, unlike the starch-and-fat content of fries, tempeh is loaded with protein and offers a good source of iron, magnesium, zinc and vitamin B6.

9. Soft White Bread

You may as well have a candy bar.

A slice of white bread offers little more than 65 calories of white flour, a simple and rapidly digested carbohydrate that causes your blood sugar to rise and crash, like any simple sugar.

And, because it has so few nutrients, white bread leaves you feeling hungry for the fiber and vitamins your body needs.

Substitute:

For the same number of calories, a slice of whole-wheat bread offers nutty flavor, 2 grams of heart-healthy fiber, protein and nutrients like selenium, magnesium and potassium.

You can also substitute whole grain bagels, English muffins, scones, and muffins.
It’s the fiber that fills up your stomach so you eat less of it, too.

10. Fried Wontons

These delicate triangles, often filled with meat, shrimp or cream cheese, are deep-fried to a crispy crunch.

Often served as appetizers, these bite-size morsels seem harmless, but pop a few too many in your mouth and they’ve added up to a whole meal.

Unfortunately, just four crab and cream cheese-filled wontons have 311 calories and 19 grams of fat – too greasy a treat for anyone trying to stay fit.

Substitute:

For a little crunch, try brown-rice sesame crackers. Five have just 140 calories and 6 grams of fat, 1 gram of fiber and a hefty dose of calcium.

They’ll also satisfy that salty snack craving.

Great, now I have an uncontrollable urge to finish those two bags of Poppycock on top of the fridge…thanks nutjabberwocky.

PSA – Unlimited Boot Camp deals

The livingsocial Underground Core Fitness Boot Camp in Warrenville that many of you purchased back in May will expire on November 13.  “Class reservations are required and subject to availability.”  This Warrenville facility is very small and way overbooked.  People have commented that the only openings for the next few months are early weekday afternoons, certainly not practical for the general public.  Some of you have already contacted livingsocial to complain and request your money back.  Do so and then read on…

I have arranged THE SAME EXACT DEAL with Heaven and Hell Boot Camp in Lisle.  It’s a larger facility, so it should be easier to get the times and days you need/want, although speaking personally, exercise and want are never together in the same sentence.  The original livingsocial deal stated:  Get a six-week boot camp membership and 21-day “drop a dress or pant size” nutrition program at Underground Core Fitness Boot Camp in Warrenville for just $21 (regularly $148).  Even though this is two-weeks longer than any promotion Heaven and Hell offers, the Owner will match the Underground Core Fitness livingsocial deal even though he is in no way affiliated with that organization, either now or in the past.  He cannot offer free private nutritional counseling sessions, although he does have a consultant available for a fee (the buzz is that the nutrition program was internet print-outs…shhhh).

Contact Damon Burrell, Owner of Heaven and Hell Boot Camp, 1617 West Ogden Avenue, Suite 1, Lisle, IL 60532. (630 541-8193 and (630) 788-8815.

And when you’re finished, you can run deals at the Lisle Jewel, Lisle Wags and Naperville CVS!  always a plan

All the news that fits…

Gerber Legendary Blades Recalls Hunting Knife Sets Due to Laceration Hazard

WASHINGTON, D.C. – The U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission, in cooperation with the firm named below, today announced a voluntary recall of the following consumer product. Consumers should stop using recalled products immediately unless otherwise instructed.

inserts graveyard

There comes a time in every insert’s life, when you have to say:  Should you stay or should you go?  In this case, we’re tossing 90% of 7/10 rp and will continue until order has been restored.  I still have a few from June to check.  There is always a downside to getting so many inserts (but I wouldn’t want to trade with anyone!).