ATLANTA—As part of its recent efforts to publicly align itself with fundamentalist Christian values, the Chick-fil-A restaurant chain announced today the debut of its new Queer-Hatin’ Cordon Bleu sandwich that would be on sale in all of the company’s 1,600 restaurants this Wednesday.

In a press conference to reporters, company representatives said the homophobic new sandwich will include the national fast food chain’s trademark fried chicken filet wrapped in a piece of specially-smoked No Homo ham that would be topped with a slice of Swiss cheese and lathered in a creamy new Thousand Island-based Fag Punching sauce.

“The Queer-Hatin’ Cordon Bleu is our company’s way of showing our firm commitment to strong, Christian family values,” said Chick-fil-A spokesman Robert Gary, before adding that the vehemently anti-gay rights sandwich comes served in a combo with waffle fries and a medium soda for just $6.95. “From the very first morsel of this savory meal to the very last bite, customers can envision gays burning in hell with their sodomizing cohorts, and know that our sandwich is on their side.”

Read the rest of the article in The Onion (what, you thought this was serious?).  One thing that is true is that there is a National Same-Sex Kiss Day planned for August 3 in all Chick-fil-A restaurants.  The Muppets have dumped Chick, but Mike Huckabee has endorsed them.  Oh, puhleeze…who would you rather have in your corner?  Miss Piggy or Mr. Piggy?

The entire article appears in today’s Chicago Tribune, but it’s also got a lot of boring stuff about politics which I’ve edited out, so we could focus on the part about the pacu fish and these wicked-looking teeth.

A tropical fish called a pacu was recently found in Lake Lou Yaeger in central Illinois. Another was spotted in a lake near Rockford, and there have now been pacu sightings from Indiana to San Antonio.

What makes the pacu unique is its mouth full of humanlike teeth. Also, as cited in an array of news reports and blog posts on the Internet, there are rumors in the Pacific island country of Papua New Guinea that pacu have a taste for a certain sensitive portion of the male anatomy.

As an American voter, I’m concerned about the state of our economy. But as a testicled-American, I’m frankly TERRIFIED of taking a swim and having my man parts chomped off by a fish with humanlike teeth.

Now, of course, the threat this fish poses to male swimmers is just a rumor. But if there’s one thing we’ve learned this campaign season, information that’s not clearly defined makes for spectacular politics. When concocting a potent political issue, facts, context and relevance are unessential ingredients…Which man is more qualified to keep me safe from biting fish?

Long-time readers will remember the column I “lifted” from The Blogess entitled “Knock-knock, Motherfucker.”   Her 16th wedding anniversary was fast approaching and well, I’ll let her tell it:

Today is mine and Victor’s 16th anniversary, which is sort of insane. You might remember last year, when I declared 15 year anniversaries should be marked with unexpected giant metal chickens at the door.

This year I had to outdo Beyonce (the giant metal chicken, not the singer. I try not to compete with her) so I’ve been searching for something similarly unexpected to come knocking at the door.  I considered buying a giant metal egg because then when people asked “Which came first, the chicken or the egg?” I could definitively say “The chicken” but it just didn’t seem BIG enough.  Then, after weeks of searching, I finally found the perfect thing.

Victor pretty much begged me to not get him anything because I think he was still trying to forgive me for last year, but then I finally convinced him that it was something awesome and so when the doorbell finally rang I screamed “OMG SHE’S HERE” and Victor was all “‘She?’ You got me a stripper?” and I glared at him because that’s the first place his head went, and then I went to answer the door and get his anniversary present.

Read the entire column here.

Report: Miami cop shoots, kills naked man eating victim’s face

Associated Press

2:08 PM CDT, May 27, 2012

MIAMI  — A Miami police officer on Saturday fatally shot a naked man who was chewing on the face of another man on a downtown causeway off-ramp, police and witnesses said.

The Miami Herald reports (http://hrld.us/KiMC2Y) that gunshots were heard at about 2 p.m. on the MacArthur Causeway off-ramp, which is near the newspaper’s offices. Witnesses said that a woman saw two men fighting and flagged down a police officer, who came upon a naked man mauling the other man. The newspaper quoted witnesses as saying that the officer ordered the naked man to back away, and when he ignored the demand, the officer shot him. Witnesses said that the naked man continued his attack after being shot once, and the officer shot him several more times.

Police said the other man was transported to Jackson Memorial Hospital Ryder Trauma Center. The newspaper said he had suffered critical injuries.

The police department confirmed in a news release that there was an officer-related shooting, but did not include many details provided by witnesses to the newspaper.

A police spokesman couldn’t be reached for comment by The Associated Press on Saturday evening.

The police news release said the identities of the two men were not known.

A photograph posted on The Herald’s website shows an officer standing watch on the ramp next to two police cruisers, with a body lying on a pedestrian walkway. Police requested the newspaper’s video surveillance tapes.

The shooting and investigation tied up causeway traffic as crowds were arriving at South Beach for an annual hip-hop festival.

Javier Ortiz, a spokesman for the Fraternal Order of Police in Miami, said that based on information he’s received, the officer who fired the shots “is a hero and saved a life.”

Here’s the link if you wanna see some nekkid legs, but nothing else.  And man, oh man, I hope I never get the munchies that bad…