The entire article appears in today’s Chicago Tribune, but it’s also got a lot of boring stuff about politics which I’ve edited out, so we could focus on the part about the pacu fish and these wicked-looking teeth.

A tropical fish called a pacu was recently found in Lake Lou Yaeger in central Illinois. Another was spotted in a lake near Rockford, and there have now been pacu sightings from Indiana to San Antonio.

What makes the pacu unique is its mouth full of humanlike teeth. Also, as cited in an array of news reports and blog posts on the Internet, there are rumors in the Pacific island country of Papua New Guinea that pacu have a taste for a certain sensitive portion of the male anatomy.

As an American voter, I’m concerned about the state of our economy. But as a testicled-American, I’m frankly TERRIFIED of taking a swim and having my man parts chomped off by a fish with humanlike teeth.

Now, of course, the threat this fish poses to male swimmers is just a rumor. But if there’s one thing we’ve learned this campaign season, information that’s not clearly defined makes for spectacular politics. When concocting a potent political issue, facts, context and relevance are unessential ingredients…Which man is more qualified to keep me safe from biting fish?