Here’s the weekly horoscope from the Onion. Read all of them here, but the Sagittarius one made me laugh.
Sagittarius Sometimes people don’t say what they really mean. For instance, they may say the words “big fat stupid asshole” when they really mean “big dumb jerkasaurus.”
(Reuters) – A Mexican woman is pregnant with nine babies – six girls and three boys – the country’s main broadcaster Televisa reported on Thursday night.
The woman was identified as Karla Vanessa Perez of the northeastern state of Coahuila, which borders Texas. She is currently being treated at a hospital in the state capital Saltillo, the broadcaster said in the report.
Perez, whose age was not given, had fertility treatment leading to the multiple pregnancy, it said. (Goddess’ note: yah think?)
State-owned news agency Notimex also reported the pregnancy, saying Perez was due to give birth on May 20.
“It’s very early to think of names for the babies,” Perez told Notimex. “First I hope that everything goes well.”
The successful delivery of nonuplets would be one of the highest multiple births ever recorded.
In 2009, a woman in California gave birth to octuplets, sparking worldwide media attention.
Got this little doozy from a reader’s dad…wait, would that be mum’s dad? how weird is that? Anyway, it’s funny, not dirty, nasty or rude, but I still laughed. Click the link for a Dramatic Surprise (their words): http://www.flixxy.com/a-
Emails from an Asshole is back. You really should sign up for his tweet alerts…or just check with me ’cause I certainly follow him. Liquids warning near your mouth and/or computer. Rude, crude and socially unacceptable. Wait, who are we talking about here?
From Me to ************@***********.org:
Hi! You need Japanese translate? I Chan, I help you with translate.
– Chan
From Scott ******* to Me:
hey chan. so ok heres the deal. my cd player suddenly stopped working and i cant figure out why. for some reason the only manual i have is entirely in japanese. i took a pic of the page im pretty sure its the trouble shooting part. can you see if it says anything about no sound coming from the output?
From Me to Scott *******:
Ok, I find three thing may help you:
“Failure of Sound from Device”
“Skipping of disc for poor sound”
“Sound volume low very much”
– Chan
From Scott ******* to Me:
umm..what does it say for the failure of sound one?
From Me to Scott *******:
“Hello and thank you for chose glorious master CD player! Apologies many for trouble of product. To fix failure of the sound, follow step:
1. Unplug glorious master CD player
2. Plug glorious master CD player back in”
I hope this help!
– Chan
From Scott ******* to Me:
that doesnt help me at all. is that all it says?
From Me to Scott *******:
Oh no! Very sorry. There more steps to help you! Here:
“If still experience failure of the sound, your glorious master CD player possessed by audio demon. To banish audio demon, follow step:
1. Ignite seven candle
2. Pray to Benzaiten, Goddess of Music
3. Benzaiten will banish audio demon to eternal suffering
4. Try play CD again
If you fail banishing of audio demon, you failure. Much dishonor of family name. Suggest immediate death by Seppuku.”
I hope you banish audio demon! Much luck.
– Chan
From Scott ******* to Me:
wtf? does it really say that?
From Me to Scott *******:
I just translate what you give.
From Scott ******* to Me:
no way it says that. what kind of useless manual is this? how is that supposed to help anyone?
From Me to Scott *******:
Very sorry, audio demon big problem with many CD player! I have sword, much sharp, good for seppuku. You want borrow?
From Scott ******* to Me:
wtf are you talking about. an audio demon? this is BS. are you screwing with me?
From Scott ******* to Me:
did i send the wrong page? i think this is the table of contents. can you look at this and tell me which page is the troubleshooting one? then ill send you that one
From Me to Scott *******:
That no table of content, that Sushi take-out menu! Try #16, Spicy Salmon Roll! Much delicious!
From Scott ******* to Me:
……….ok buddy. thanks for nothing you jackass
Later, from another email account
From Me to *********@*********.org:
Hey there,
I saw your ad and think I can help you. I majored in Japanese in college, speak it fluently, and lived in Miyazaki for two years.
Mike
From Scott ******* to Me:
thanks so much mike. i was talking to someone else for help, but idk what his problem was. dude kept sending me all this BS. anyway my cd player isnt working and the manual is only in japanese so i need help reading the troubleshooting part. i think the attached picture is the table of contents, could you see if it says what page the troubleshooting part is on and then ill send you that?
From Me to Scott *******:
You sent me a sushi take-out menu. Are you sure you have the right documents?
From Scott ******* to Me:
wtf!!! i dont know what is going on! it has a picture of the cd player on the front and then this is the next page. why would they put a sushi menu in there?
From Me to Scott *******:
Japanese instruction manuals are not like the American manuals you are used to. They often include advertisements, and I guess in this case, a sushi menu. Looking at it closer, it says “Thank you for purchasing this glorious master CD player. Why not order sushi while you enjoy music?”
Mike
From Scott ******* to Me:
well that is dumb…whatever. i think this page is the troubleshooting part because of the tables. am i right? do you see anything about there not being any sound?
From Me to Scott *******:
Yes, this is the right page. It says to unplug it and plug it back in.
Mike
From Scott ******* to Me:
yea i did that. nothing. is that it?
From Me to Scott *******:
Well, you’re not gonna want to hear this, but it says your CD player is possessed by Amanojaku, or “audio demon.” You should light three candles and pray to Benzaiten, the god of music.
Mike
From Me to Scott *******:
Scott? Were you able to banish the audio demon?
One of the many ways I find to waste time involves reading The Onion. Here’s a selection from July, 2011 on why Al-Qaeda refuses to bomb our outdated transportation grid. And yes, I lifted the entire article, MUM. come visit me in prison?
WASHINGTON—In a 30-minute video released Thursday, al-Qaeda leader Ayman al-Zawahiri criticized the mass transportation infrastructure of the United States, claiming significant repairs and upgrades would need to be implemented before the militant group would consider destroying any roads, bridges, or railways with terrorist attacks.
Reading from a prepared statement, al-Zawahiri blasted the U.S. government for its lack of foresight and admonished its leaders for failing to provide Americans with efficient and reliable modes of public transport to reduce traffic congestion, lower carbon emissions, improve air quality, and supply suitable targets for terrorists.
“The al-Qaeda network is fully prepared to continue the jihad against the American infidels by launching deadly attacks, but your outdated and rusting transportation infrastructure needs to be completely overhauled for those strikes even to be noticed,” al-Zawahiri said. “We want to turn your bridges into rubble, but if we claimed credit for making them collapse, nobody would ever believe us.”
“We’d really just be doing you a favor because then you’d actually have to rebuild them,” al-Zawahiri added.
The al-Qaeda commander confirmed his organization initially hoped to cripple travel in the United States by destroying its nationwide high-speed rail system, but had been shocked to discover no such thing exists. Calling it a cost-efficient, modern way of travel that would serve as a boon to small businesses and the national economy, al-Zawahiri implored U.S. officials to invest in not just one high-speed passenger train network, but many of them, so they could all be blown up simultaneously in a signature al-Qaeda attack upon the nation’s major population centers.
Throughout the threatening video, the terrorist leader questioned the priorities of American politicians, asking why they would refuse to fund engineering projects that would create jobs, bombing opportunities, and new ways for the U.S. compete globally.
“It’s ridiculous that the Netherlands, the world’s 16th-ranked economy, is continuously investing in its infrastructure, while the No. 1 economy simply refuses to enter the 21st century,” said al-Zawahiri, adding that Americans should be ashamed of having only one operational high-speed rail line, considering the Dutch have 120. “And of course, we don’t want to bring the Netherlands to its knees and make its people question the unholy excesses of their way of life. No one would care if we did that.”
“Also, to the Great Satan American leader Barack Obama: Investing in mass transit infrastructure would have positive, long-term effects for the environment,” he added. “Stop being so shortsighted.”
Al-Qaeda sources confirmed that members of terror cells living in America regularly complain about the extreme difficulty of traveling around the country and say it has prevented them from doing their jobs effectively. A plot to destroy O’Hare International Airport was reportedly abandoned after constant flight delays made coordinating an attack nearly impossible.
In addition, al-Zawahiri said a terrorist attack on O’Hare couldn’t make the commercial aviation center any worse.
He also revealed the terrorist organization had wasted six months planning to take down Amtrak’s regional operations before realizing that with its constant delays and malfunctions, the government-owned passenger train service “basically terrorizes itself.”
“We spent countless hours on training, surveillance, and intelligence-gathering for absolutely nothing,” al-Zawahiri said. “We falsely assumed that disrupting key Amtrak lines would instill fear and cause chaos throughout the nation. Unfortunately, the overall impact and limited number of casualties wouldn’t even make it worth the effort.”
While al-Zawahiri mainly focused on reprimanding the U.S. for not updating its mass transportation system, the al-Qaeda leader also recommended the government repair sewage treatment plants, dams, waterlines, and the power grid.
“Frankly, America is a complete mess,” al-Zawahiri said. “How could we even think about cutting electricity across multiple states, leaving millions of Americans terrified in darkness, when there are brownouts all the time? And of course, we would like nothing better than to poison your lakes and rivers, but it looks like you already beat us to it. At least the Empire State Building is still standing,” he added.
BEIJING — Chinese state media say police have arrested nine people and detained 54 others in a crackdown on chromium-tainted gel capsules made from industrial waste.
The scandal is the latest to rock China’s pharmaceutical industry, which suffers from abundant fakery and substandard ingredients.
The official Xinhua News Agency said late Sunday that police have seized 77 million gel capsules and shuttered 80 production lines.
The report said police also arrested a township official in northern China’s Hebei province who allegedly ordered the torching of a gel capsule factory owned by his brother in an apparent attempt to evade the crackdown.
There have been no reports of illness of death so far from the tainted gel capsules.
This news brief came from today’s Huffington Post. It’s scary just how low people will sink in pursuit of a buck. Remember the tainted baby formula where babies actually died after drinking it?
A hey-what’s-happening, I’m still alive email from Christina.
It started last year at the campground. My parents have a camper next to ours, maybe 5 years old now and very nice. They bought it new with all the bells and whistles. Evidently the squirrels found it quite pleasing too, because they moved in. My mother, as I would have too, never returned last year to camp. My parents cleaned out what they could and it’s quite shocking the damage those little things can do! Eating the wood, curtains, & cushions, and so on. After the first round of cleaning, they went back and squirrels were back (probably grateful that someone had cleaned out their condo) new nest and all! It was at this point that my Mom declared her non-return for the season. So even though I would have freaked out if they were in my camper, I had much fun with their mishap. I searched high and low for little squirrels for gifts. I have access to their unit, so we randomly put little friends in there all season long. It started out innocently enough when we were playing “Campground” the board game and there just happened to be 3 little critters, one named Bob, like Grandpa, one named Mike, (Hubs!) and of course a squirrel, who’s name I haven’t a clue. Grandpa never knew what he was going to find, but I am certain he got a chuckle. Minus that one the 15 year old stuck in his curtains, that really looked quite real. Betcha that one caught his eye!Miss 15 year old and I grabbed some of the larger pieces, paint, & brushes, and started painting signs for everyone for Christmas gifts. That girl is realllllly creative! It kind of fed into everyone making homemade gifts this year. It was more beautiful than any store bought anything, truly. We had a massive amount of acorns this year, I have no idea why so many, but I grabbed a bucket full and washed them and let them dry. I spray painted them gold and made a beautiful crown out of them. Glue gun, gold nuts and a old weaving loom. It took me a few days to complete and it was so gorgeous! I had this beautiful letter about being King of the Nuts, Squirrels, peace on Earth stuff. (I make everyone fill out ‘questionnaires’ around holidays and we save them for the next year. It is always silly, fun and it challenges everyone to think. They all pretend to hate it. Anyhoo, one question was if you could be anything what would it be? FIL said “King.” Hence the crown.
Today’s titillating tidbit comes courtesy of Rachel, who has waaaay too much time on her hands. Hey, MUM,, try sleeping sometime! You can either read the article or watch the people say the same thing in the vid.
The K-E Diet: Brides-to-Be Using Feeding Tubes to Rapidly Shed Pounds
By YUNJI DE NIES, AMANDA KEEGAN and KEVIN DOLAK | Good Morning America Mon, Apr 16, 2012 4:00 AM EDT
Brides-to-be looking to shed that final 10, 15 or 20 pounds in order to fit into their dream wedding gown have taken a controversial approach to crash dieting that involves inserting a feeding tube into their noses for up to 10 days for a quick fix to rapid weight loss.
The K-E diet, which boasts promises of shedding 20 pounds in 10 days, is an increasingly popular alternative to ordinary calorie-counting programs. The program has dieters inserting a feeding tube into their nose that runs to the stomach. They’re fed a constant slow drip of protein and fat, mixed with water, which contains zero carbohydrates and totals 800 calories a day. Body fat is burned off through a process called ketosis, which leaves muscle intact, Dr. Oliver Di Pietro of Bay Harbor Islands, Fla., said.
“It is a hunger-free, effective way of dieting,” Di Pietro said. “Within a few hours and your hunger and appetite go away completely, so patients are actually not hungry at all for the whole 10 days. That’s what is so amazing about this diet.”
Di Pietro says patients are under a doctor’s supervision, although they’re not hospitalized during the dieting process. Instead, they carry the food solution with them, in a bag, like a purse, keeping the tube in their nose for 10 days straight. Di Pietro says there are few side effects.
“The main side effects are bad breath; there is some constipation because there is no fiber in the food,” he said.
Slipping into a wedding gown for a dream wedding is a moment of truth for most brides, but as many say that there is a real fear that it will not quite fit. That’s how 41-year-old Jessica Schnaider of Surfside, Fla., says she felt with a June wedding approaching and 10 pounds she says she couldn’t lose. She was desperate for a quick fix.
“I don’t have all of the time on the planet just to focus an hour and a half a day to exercise so I came to the doctor, I saw the diet, and I said, ‘You know what? Why not? Let me try it. So I decided to go ahead and give it a shot,” she said.
Schnaider said she was never hungry throughout the 10 days she was on the K-E diet, but admits that it still wasn’t easy.
“It was emotionally difficult, the 10 days of not eating,” Schnaider said. “And sometimes I had to give excuses to people who were asking are you sick? And I was like, ‘No, I’m not sick, I’m not dying, I’m fine.’
“I was tired. I didn’t feel like exercising. The doctor told me that if you can compliment with walking for a half an hour on the beach, that would be great, but I didn’t feel like doing that. I’m a very energetic person, but those days I was a little tired.”
Although the K-E diet is new to the United States, it has been around for years in Europe. Dr. Di Pietro charges $1,500 for the 10-day plan, and says the before-and-after pictures sell themselves.
But critics warn that losing too much weight too fast can be dangerous, and it ultimately won’t last. Di Pietro warns that people with kidney issues should avoid the diet.
Many doctors also say that with so much pressure on brides to be perfect, it’s easy to understand why this kind of rapid weight loss might seem appealing, but might not be healthy.
“If you lose the weight too quickly your mind is not going to be able to catch up with a newer, skinnier you,” psychoanalyst Bethany Marshall of Beverly Hills, Calif. said.
Schnaider says that in her case she actually only kept her tube in for eight of the 10 days, skipping the last two because she’d already lost the 10 pounds she wanted.
She has kept it off so far, saying she is looking forward to her big day this summer.
Like we’re gonna swap Fannie May for a tube up our nose…
The following is from today’s The Huffington Post.
WASHINGTON — As many as 80 House Democrats are communists, according to Rep. Allen West (R-Fla.).
West warned constituents at a Tuesday town hall event that he’s “heard” that dozens of his Democratic colleagues in the House are members of the Communist Party, the Palm Beach Post reported. There are currently 190 House Democrats.
West spokeswoman Angela Melvin later defended West’s comments — and clarified to whom West was referring.
“The Congressman was referring to the 76 members of the Congressional Progressive Caucus. The Communist Party has publicly referred to the Progressive Caucus as its allies. The Progressive Caucus speaks for itself. These individuals certainly aren’t proponents of free markets or individual economic freedom,” Melvin said in a statement to The Huffington Post.
West’s campaign also sent over the transcript of the actual exchange that took place during the town hall to show that West was asked directly about the role of communists in the House.
Moderator: What percentage of the American legislature do you think are card-carrying Marxists or International Socialist?West: It’s a good question. I believe there’s about 78 to 81 members of the Democrat Party who are members of the Communist Party. It’s called the Congressional Progressive Caucus.
Some members of the Congressional Progressive Caucus confirmed that they are not, in fact, members of the Communist Party.
“I can confirm that Congresswoman Baldwin is not a communist,” said Jerilyn Goodman, spokeswoman for Rep. Tammy Baldwin (D-Wisc.), a vice chair of the caucus.
“Chellie is a Democrat, a farmer and a Lutheran but no, she is not a Communist,” said Willy Ritch, spokesman for Rep. Chellie Pingree (D-Maine), also a vice chair of the caucus.
During the same event, which took place at Jensen Beach, the freshman Republican said President Barack Obama wouldn’t have a public debate with him over their policy differences because he was “scared.” The president was in Florida on Tuesday giving remarks about the economy and holding campaign events.
“I really wish that, standing here before you, was Allen West and President Obama,” West said, according to the Palm Beach Post. “We could have a simple discussion. But that ain’t ever gonna happen.”
When an audience member asked why, West said in “a mocking voice” that it was because Obama “was too scared.”
WATCH West’s comments in the video clip above.
UPDATE: 5:30 p.m. — Congressional Progressive Caucus Co-Chairs Raul Grijalva (D-Ariz.) and Keith Ellison (D-Minn.) later criticized West’s “outrageous” claims.
“Calling fellow Members of Congress ‘communists’ is reminiscent of the days when Joe McCarthy divided Americans with name-calling and modern-day witch hunts that don’t advance policies to benefit people’s lives,” Grijalva and Ellison said in a joint statement. “We hope the people of Florida’s 22nd Congressional District will note that he repeatedly polarizes the American people instead of focusing on their interests.”
When Illinois passed House Bill 3659 (the state’s affiliate nexus tax bill), great hoopla was splattered about evening the playing field, protecting the little mom-and-pop stores from those no-tax paying bastards. Amazon said repeatedly that if the bill passed, they would yank their Illinois affiliates, just as they’d done in other states. But Illinois politicians felt they were immune. Bill co-sponsor Senator John Cullerton anticipated the new tax would generate an additional $150 million in revenues. My personal belief is that he was more heavily influenced by the $$$ and ads that that Main Street “fairness” organization tossed around. As the Chicagoist reported last month, the reality is what pretty much what we lowly wage-earners expected: Rocks.
From January through June 2011 (before the law went into effect) the Illinois Department of Revenue collected approximately $139 million in use tax. During the last six months of 2011, Illinois collected $127 million. Yes indeedy, Illinois collected less money after the affiliate nexus tax went into effect. And this last six months would include the entire holiday shopping period!
Well, duh. And yet another example of the laws passed by those shining stars we call our politicians. aka pre-felons…