Okay, so it’s in The Onion, which has slightly less journalistic integrity than the Globe or Fox News, but still…
PALO ALTO, CA—A comprehensive report released this week by researchers at Stanford University affirmed that everyone you’ve ever had a crush on in your entire life also secretly had a deep crush on you, they continue to hold these strong, unreconciled feelings, and they are out there right now, just waiting for you to get in touch with them.
According to the study, which analyzed the behavioral patterns and personal histories of both you and anyone you’ve been attracted to at any point in your life, every human being you’ve ever daydreamed about being with—from your grade school crush, to that upperclassman in your college English class, to your old coworker—has quietly shared the same feelings, which they still have to this day, and are willing to drop everything on a moment’s notice for the chance at spending the rest of their life with you.
“In 100 percent of the cases that we analyzed, each person you’ve ever been romantically attracted to, including your next-door neighbor who moved away when you were 12 and the R.A. from your freshman dorm, admitted they have been unable to get you out of their minds ever since the moment you first saw each other,” said psychologist Brendan Taylor, the report’s lead author. “These findings suggest that even that one popular classmate, the one you were sure didn’t even know your name, thought about you every day of the school year, continues to think about you, and is most likely looking longingly at your yearbook picture right now.”